Husband and wife issues (jokes)

Penis VS Fruits

PENIS VS FRUITS

An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day. The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground." The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor." The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"

SON IN LAW

THE SON-IN LAW

A woman passed her daughter's room and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "Why?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband, so please, leave me alone."

Next day, the father heard the same buzz and upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query, the daughter again said, "Dad I"m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the 'HELL are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

BAD LUCK

BAD LUCK!!

DON'T CRY WHEN READING THESE STORY
A man was walking across the road when he met in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying." She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..." He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.
The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..." His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said,.................. "I think you bring me bad luck."

LIL JOHNNY

LITTLE JOHNNY

One day Little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom what they were having for dinner. She said that it was a surprise and him and his brother would have to guess what it is after they try it. Well dinner time came and they started eating it,but they couldn't figure out what it was. So Little Johnny asked his mom for a hint.She said,"Okay,I'll give you a hint. I call your father this."Little Johnny said to his brother,"Quick Bobby, spit it out,its asshole!

Big boy

BIG BOY

Big boy went to school and heard other students using 'raas'; not knowing what it means he went home and said to his mother, "mama wat raas mean?" His mother replied "is di ting whey yuh fada heng im hat pan." The next day Big boy heard the word 'fuckin' being used. He went home and asked his father this time what it means. His father replied, "Dat a jus when u a put on clothes fi go somewhere." Big Boy heard yet another word, 'bumbo', so he went home and asked his parents what it means and was told that 'bumbo' is a walking stick. It was now Sunday and pastor stopped by to give Big Boy and his parents a lift to church. When pastor saw that only Big Boy was ready to go he asked, "Where are your parents boy?" Big Boy replied, "Them upstairs fuckin so come een an put yuh hat pan dah raas deh an lean up yuh bumbo right deh suh!"

CAR ACCIDENT

CAR ACCIDENT

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."